Infiltration Log

Author Note: Honestly, this piece is actually quite bad, but I just can't exclude a piece that makes me giggle consistently. Me, giggling at my own jokes; I'm way too easy to amuse...

#SS472DD Report – First contact with ‘Earth’

Report filed by FC Infiltrator 570.

Day 1

A human committed suicide off of the bridge I was parked under, and it turned out to be quite the stroke of luck. Quite a shock as well, as his damp innards splattered over the viewing port – I think a finger bone might’ve got caught in the windscreen wipers. The salvage drone was able to recover a near complete set of skin, so I was able to disguise myself almost immediately. Almost – It needed a bit of patching up and a new left arm. Turns out these ‘humans’ just leave those sorts of things lying around. Took a bit of digging though – about six feet, maybe?

Once it was ready, I was able to suit up and complete my first foray in daylight. My initial encounter with the wildlife was unusual. A male of a stocky 6 ft 6, his four appendages folding unnaturally in a few fixed places in some mockery of bipedal walking. My borrowed face hid my revulsion at this peculiar species. He appeared to be being walked by a brown, fluffy quadruped ‘dog’ with sharp ears and a discreet decorative neck brace. The human male must still be being trained to walk, for the dog had him holding on a leash for balance. 

This dog was alerted to my presence almost immediately and launched some sort of auditory shockwave barrage. A clever tactic, but not effective against an entity as advanced as myself, for they bounced off with nary any effect. The dog was successfully able to drive me off after she disentangled herself from her pet human. Such powers of observation to see through my disguise almost immediately – these must be the dominant species on the planet. It is a shame they are too cunning and too small for me to successfully infiltrate, so I will remain focused on their pets for now.

Day 2

Throughout the night I had the omni-morph tool decipher what information it could from the communications hub ‘internet’, and it was able to update my translator – I will be using this updated terminology for the remainder of the report. More importantly, it deduced for me basic information about the landscape around me, and of the areas where humans were permitted to exist free of a chastity to their dog overlords. It will be much easier to explore there undiscovered. 

I took up position on a park bench in what my research informed me was an inconspicuous way. I held out my hands in front of me and attempted to interface with a primitive, rectangular phone object. It was here that I witnessed the human mating cycle. A couple of opposingly gendered humans had their mouths interlocked in some carnal ritual. I don’t know if this was some sort of prerequisite preparations or if they were talking or what (if the latter, then it must’ve been really difficult for them to hear each other like that). Even more unusually, there appeared to only be two of them. Are they not aware that insemination is far more likely to be effective with multiple partners? Guys, get a mating pod already. 

After consulting the internet system, I have encountered that humans collectively believe in a relationship system called love. A few species back in the federation have a similar understanding of such concepts, but for some reason plenty of humans insist in monogamy. An inefficient, limiting bias keeps them from effective population - do they really hate each other so much that any more than one partner is untenable? The two humans left while I was writing, I hope to find a mating pod. Maybe a higher population might actually push them to get off their lazy posteriors and colonise another planet, because this one is getting past its shelf life. 

Day 3

Attempting to understand this species is an exercise in lobotomization. It took these idiots millennia to figure out legs were a good idea, then millennia more to even discover evolution. Did they just not notice they weren’t fish anymore? Did nobody ever ask ‘hey guys, remember when we lived in the sea, but then… didn’t? yeah, why did that happen?’ apparently not, because they only managed to get their heads round it a few hundred years ago. They must have felt pretty idiotic after that. 

I’ve been stuck with them for over two of their days, and all I can say is that humans are nothing but half-braindead leeches that kill their planet about as quickly as they kill each other. They don’t even have the sense to get a new one – they consume, consume, consume and raise their young to do the same, rotting their brains and practically choking themselves.

Humans are harmless, but backwards, and too unevolved to join the federation. Leave them to melt in their own dense magnifying glass of an atmosphere.

FC Infiltrator 570 signing off.

Notes, brainstorming and the ‘creative’ process. Ha.

Infiltration log day 009

Its been nine dull, empty days since I infiltrated, and the humans have yet to discover me, the idiots.

 

Draft 1

The complete report on first contact with planet #073852SOD

Day 1

A human committed suicide off of the bridge I was parked under, and it turned out to be quite the stroke of luck. Quite a shock as well, as his damp innards splattered over the viewing port – I think a finger bone might’ve got caught in the windscreen wipers. The salvage drone was able to recover a near complete set of skin, so I was able to disguise myself almost immediately. Almost – It needed a bit of patching up and a new left arm. Turns out these ‘humans’ just leave those sorts of things lying around. Took a bit of digging though – about six feet, maybe?

Once it was ready, I was able to suit up and complete my first foray in daylight. My first encounter with a living specimen was unusual. A human male of a stocky 6 ft 6, with exposed skin practically bleeding around his communications orifice. He appeared to be being walked by a brown, fluffy quadruped ‘dog’ with sharp ears and a discreet decorative neck brace. The human male must still be being trained to walk, for the dog had him on a leash.

The dog was alerted to my presence almost immediately and proceeded to launch some sort of shockwave barrage. A clever tactic, but not effective against an entity as advanced as myself, for they bounced off with nary any effect. The dog was successfully able to drive me off after she disentangled herself from her pet human. Such powers of observation to see through my disguise almost immediately – these must be the dominant species on the planet. It is a shame they are too cunning and too small for me to successfully infiltrate, so I will remain focused on their pets for now.

Day 2

Throughout the night I had the omni-morph tool decipher what information it could from the communications hub ‘internet’, and it was able to update my translator – I will be using this updated terminology for the remainder of the report. More importantly, it deduced for me basic information about the area around me, and of the areas where humans were permitted to exist free of a chastity to their dog overlords. It will be much easier to explore there undiscovered.

I took up position on a park bench in what my research informed me was an inconspicuous way. I held out my hands in front of me and attempted to interface with a primitive, rectangular phone I couldn’t even call off-world with. It was here that I witnessed the human mating cycle. A couple of opposingly gendered humans had their mouths interlocked in some carnal ritual. I don’t know if they were meant to be talking to each other in an obtrusive way or what, but it must’ve been really difficult for them to hear each other like that. Even more unusually, there appeared to only be two of them. Are they not aware that insemination is far more likely to be effective with multiple partners? Guys, get a mating pod already.

After consulting the internet system, I have encountered that humans collectively believe in a relationship system called love. Fair enough, a few species back in the federation have a similar understanding of such concepts, but for some reason plenty of humans insist in monogamy. This inefficient, limiting bias keeps them from effective population. Do they really hate each other so much that any more than one partner is untenable? The two ‘lovestruck’ humans left while I was writing, I hope to find a mating pod. Maybe a higher population might actually push them to get off their butts and colonise another planet, because this one is getting past its shelf life.

Day 3

Attempting to understand this species is an exercise in lobotomization. It took these idiots millennia to figure out legs were a good idea, then millennia more to even discover evolution. Did they just not notice they weren’t fish anymore? Did nobody ever ask ‘hey guys, remember when we lived in the sea, but then… didn’t? yeah, why did that happen?’ apparently not, because they only managed to get their heads round it a few hundred years ago. They must have felt bloody idiotic after that.

Humans are nothing but half-braindead leeches that kill their planet about as quickly as they kill each other. They don’t even have the sense to get a new one – they consume, consume, consume and raise their young to do the same, rotting their brains and practically choking themselves.

Report conclusion

humans are harmless, but too backwards to join the federation.

Suggested action

leave them to melt in their own dense magnifying glass of an atmosphere.

FC Infiltrator Scrulph signing off.