Coffee is Poison

Robert is nervous. Very nervous.

And he’s walking in to an office.

His boss’s office.

 

His boss talks first.

‘Please sit down.’

‘Ok.’

Robert sits down.

‘Know why you’re here?‘

‘No, sir.’

‘You look pale.’

‘Um,’

‘Sweating.’

‘Yea…’

‘I know work can be stressful,’

Robert nods, wipes his brow.

‘Tiring, even,’

‘Erm, yeah…’

‘I’m not mad.’

‘What?’

‘I said I’m not mad.’

‘Really?’

‘Really.’

‘And… What aren’t you mad about?’

‘The cleaning cupboard.’

Lilith had said using the cleaning cupboard would be discreet enough.

‘Erm, I see. And you aren’t mad about it.’

‘I feel I’m being clear on that.’

‘I get it.’

‘How?’

‘Huh?’

‘How can you get it?’

‘Hey, I used to have your job. Work’s tiring, sometimes you need a nap.’

‘Yea…’

‘In the cleaning cupboard.’

‘Ah.’

‘Caught you.’

Robert seems to relax. He raises his hands.

‘Caught.’

‘Need a coffee?’

‘Yea…’

The boss makes Robert a coffee.

‘Here you are.’

‘Thanks.’

‘Is everything going well at home?’

‘Isn’t anything to go wrong.’

‘Ah. But has anyone caught your eye?’

‘Erm, no. No, not yet.’

‘Tell you what Robert, I think I was about your age when I met Lilith.’

‘Y-you were?’

‘Yea. Met in the office, actually.’

‘I-I see… Anything to kill the monotony, right?’

‘Exactly! Keep this quiet, but we used to sneak off to the cleaning cupboard-‘

‘what!’

‘what?’

‘Erm, nothing… sorry.’

‘Don’t be sorry, drink!’

Robert takes a sip of coffee, then speaks.

‘So, how is Lilith these days?’

‘You tell me.’

‘Huh?’

‘You. Tell me.’

‘U-um, why- how would I know?’

‘How would you know.’

‘I don’t…’

‘Do you?’

‘I don’t.’

‘Well, ok then… Good. Right. Sorry about that.’

‘Not a problem.’

‘And speaking of problems…’

‘Y-yea?’

‘You won’t be sleeping on the job anymore, will you?’

‘No. Sir.’

‘Take the day.’

‘Hmm?’

‘Take the day off, you need a break… You need rest.’

‘Ok... Thanks.’

‘Goodbye.’

 

Robert left. He didn’t make it home.

Authors Note: This piece started out as a class exercise to just write without making any sentence longer than 3 words. Over a year later I needed a 300 or so word piece to fill space in a submission and decided to retro-fit the exercise into something worth reading. Overall, I'd say it went pretty well. And a good reminder to not throw away writing, even if you don't like it! Because any idea can be useful if enough craft goes behind it. 

Anyway, here's my notes from when I wrote it.

Exercise – dialogue can only be 3 words or less – oh what funnnnnnnnnnnnn.

Draft 1

Robert is nervous. Very nervous.

He’s nervous because he’s walking in to an office.

His boss’s office.

 

His boss talks first.

‘Please sit down.’

‘Ok.’

Robert sat down.

‘Anyway, about the-‘

‘Oh god.’

‘What.’

‘I’m Fired?’

‘What?’

‘You’re firing me!?’

‘no.’

‘Oh Christ, what-‘

‘No no NO.’

‘…’

‘Calm down.’

Robert took a moment to calm down.

‘Sorry.’

‘Long day?’

‘Rough day.’

‘Get much sleep?’

‘Barely a blink.’

‘Lunch?’

‘You mean cereal?’

‘Ha.’

‘…’

‘Do anything wrong?’

‘No.’

‘You said “fired”’

‘I did.’

‘Why did you?’

‘I was nervous,’

‘You were.’

‘And tired,’

‘Indeed.’

‘I panicked.’

‘Hm.’

‘…’

‘…’

‘…’

‘Take the day.’

‘pardon?’

‘Go home, rest.’

‘But can I-‘

‘Yes you can.’

‘And the paperwork?’

‘Handled.’

‘But what about-‘

‘Jamie’s doing it.’

‘And-‘

‘Look, just… sleep,’

‘…’

‘You need it.’

‘I do.’

‘You do.’

‘Ok.’

‘…’

‘…’

‘Why was I…’

‘Yes?’

‘You wanted to…’

‘Hm?’

‘Talk to me…’

‘I did.’

‘I know.’

‘And I have.’

‘This was it?’

‘Pretty much.’

‘…’

‘Oh, and…’

‘Huh?’

‘Good morning.’

‘Good night.’

‘Ha!’

 

Robert drove home.

Half an hour later, he was asleep.

Later, his boss drove home

Half an hour later.

This is me returning over a year later. Sup. I need 200 words to fill, so here we go.

I want to add some subtext to this. So Robert is sleeping with the boss’s… wife? Daughter? Husband, why not? Cat? Ok, calm down, wife it is. Grandmother. No, wife. 

Draft 2

 

Coffee is poison.

 

Robert is nervous. Very nervous.

He’s nervous because he’s walking in to an office.

His boss’s office.

 

His boss talks first.

‘Please sit down.’

‘Ok.’

Robert sat down.

‘Know why you’re here?‘

‘No, sir.’

‘You look pale.’

‘Um,’

‘Sweating.’

‘Yea…’

‘…’

‘…’

‘I know work can be stressful,’

Robert just nods, wipes his brow.

‘Tiring, even,’

‘Erm, yeah…’

‘I’m not mad.’

‘What?’

‘I said I’m not mad.’

‘Really?’

‘Really.’

‘And… What aren’t you mad about?’

‘The cleaning cupboard.’

Beth thought using the cleaning cupboard would be subtle enough.

‘Erm, I see, and you aren’t mad about it.’

‘I feel I’m being clear on that.’

‘…’

‘…’

‘Am I fired?’

‘No.’

‘If I’m fired, just come out and say it!’

‘You aren’t fired.’

‘because-‘

‘CALM DOWN.’

‘…’

‘Calm down, please, you aren’t fired.’

‘Sorry.’

‘I get it.’

‘How?’

‘Huh?’

‘How can you get it?’

‘Hey, I was in the cubicles once, too.’

Robert gave a confused look.

‘Works tiring, sometimes you need a nap.’

‘Yea, I guess…’

‘In the cleaning cupboard.’

‘Ah.’

‘Caught you.’

Robert seemed to relax.

‘I’m caught, I surrender to your whims, sir.’

‘Hah! Need a coffee?’

‘Yea…’

The boss made Robert a coffee.

‘Here you are… oh.’

The boss knocked over a photo on his desk. It had him, his son, and his wife Beth.

‘You look pale again.’

‘Uh… sorry.’

‘Don’t be sorry, drink!’

Robert took a sip of coffee, then spoke.

‘So, how is Beth?’

‘Oh, she’s fine. Bit distant.’

‘Everything ok?’

‘Yea, we’re seeing a therapist tomorrow.’

‘Hope it goes well.’

‘Yea…’

‘…’

‘Take the day.’

‘Hmm?’

‘Take the day off, you need a break.’

‘What about the-‘

‘-Il get someone to do it.’

‘…’

‘You need rest.’

‘Ok. Thanks.’

‘Say hi to Beth for me’

 

Robert left. He didn’t make it home.

 

 

Feedback not written down:

Colette said I need to make it sharper, or better. Maybe the boss should be more probing, or just, I need to make it more apparent what each person is thinking.

 

Draft 3

 

Coffee is poison.

 

Robert is nervous. Very nervous.

And he’s walking in to an office.

His boss’s office.

 

His boss talks first.

‘Please sit down.’

‘Ok.’

Robert sits down.

‘Know why you’re here?‘

‘No, sir.’

‘You look pale.’

‘Um,’

‘Sweating.’

‘Yea…’

‘…’

‘…’

‘I know work can be stressful,’

Robert nods, wipes his brow.

‘Tiring, even,’

‘Erm, yeah…’

‘…’

‘…’

‘I’m not mad.’

‘What?’

‘I said I’m not mad.’

‘Really?’

‘Really.’

‘And… What aren’t you mad about?’

‘The cleaning cupboard.’

Lilith had said using the cleaning cupboard would be discreet enough.

‘Erm, I see, and you aren’t mad about it.’

‘I feel I’m being clear on that.’

‘…’

‘…’

‘I get it.’

‘How?’

‘Huh?’

‘How can you get it?’

‘Hey, I used to have your job.’

Robert gives a confused look.

‘Work’s tiring, sometimes you need a nap.’

‘Yea…’

‘In the cleaning cupboard.’

‘Ah.’

‘Caught you.’

Robert seems to relax.

‘I’m caught.’

‘Need a coffee?’

‘Yea…’

The boss makes Robert a coffee.

‘Here you are… oh.’

The boss knocks over a photo on his desk. It has him, his son, and his wife Lilith.

‘You look pale again.’

‘Uh… sorry.’

‘Don’t be sorry, drink!’

Robert takes a sip of coffee, then speaks.

‘So, how is Lilith?’

‘You tell me.’

‘Huh?’

‘You. Tell me.’

‘U-um, why- how would I know?’

‘How would you know.’

‘I don’t…’

‘Do you?’

‘I don’t.’

‘…’

‘…’

‘Well, ok then.’

‘…’

‘Good. Right. Sorry about that.’

‘Not a problem.’

‘And speaking of problems…’

‘Y-yea?’

‘You won’t be sleeping on the job anymore, will you?’

‘No. Sir.’

‘…’

‘…’

‘Take the day.’

‘Hmm?’

‘Take the day off, you need a break.’

‘…’

‘You need rest.’

‘Ok. Thanks.’

‘Goodbye.’

 

Robert left. He didn’t make it home.